Saitama Kills Santa
by Tono Radish
Summary: Evil Guys AU. A super late secret santa present... I'm so sorry.


Saitama looked at Genos across the room, his lips puckering in disapproval. Genos didn't seem to notice Saitama watching him, maybe his sensors were broken or maybe he was simply to used to Saitama's staring. Whatever the reason Genos did not look back at his master.

"Hey Genos."

The cyborg looked up, saying nothing.

"Let's kill Santa."

A chime went off somewhere in Genos's body, like that of a typewriter. He visibly cracked his neck, though it lacked muscles. Saitama noticed scattered papers everywhere he went in his small tatami apartment. The papers seemed to be notes of everything important he's ever said and since Genos thinks everything Saitama says is important he typed up everything Saitama ever said. Saitama was a super villain for fun, Genos was a villain to be. He was taken under Saitama's wing and was underwhelmed by how unmotivated Saitama was at times. For example the little room they called HQ.

"Why kill Santa," Genos asked, looking ready to take notes yet again.

"I think," he said, not looking so much like an egg but rather a sexy bald man, "We should be more villainous and scary and think face paint is the first step toward that goal."

"What about Santa?"

"Oh right. Santa is an immortal, one of the toughest Heroes the world has ever known. He should prove to be a powerful opponent. I need that spark back, the spark that made me quit my day job and pursue being a villain for real."

Genos smiled, his snake bites twinkling like Saitama's bald head, "Not to mention we could take over the north pole toy factory!"

"And mass produce Caped Baldy figures," Saitama snickered at his bad guy name.

Genos nodded, "I'll pack us some travel snacks."

"I'll order the plane tickets," Saitama said getting up from their kotatsu.

"Oh and Master," Genos called out, a little breathy.

"Yeah?"

The robot man paused, unsure of what to really say next, "We should… steal the plane?"

"I like your thinking. I'll call for a cab."

Saitama was into the kitchen area and dialing the phone. Genos sighed putting on his Taylor Swift inspired nerd glasses that are actually just a representation of his willingness to conform, "can't you see ee eee… you belong with me ee…"

"You say something Genos?"

"NOTHING MASTER!"

Saitama grinned, calling the taxi. They sat in silence for a few minutes but the taxi was there pretty quickly so nothing awkward happened. Thank goodness for Genos's sake. It was bad enough when December first hit and he dressed in drag and sang "All I Want For Christmas Is You" as loudly as possible to Saitama. The part-time villain just stared at him confused before making himself some tea and instant ramen. Genos skulked into his normal attire.

Okay, so Genos was in love with Saitama. He thought it was mindless dedication and loyalty if only because Saitama said that villains don't know what love is and that's what makes them sexy. Genos wanted to be sexy so he kept remaining the feeling until he and Saitama went to the Villain Federation for registration and he saw his basically naked for the first time. Yeah… Love is what they call it. He was shocked he could even feel something like that when he was 90% robot, 7% human, and 3% potato clock.

The taxi arrived and the two politely entered and rode in silence. At the airport they tipped the man before walking to the end of the concrete where the fences begin. The fences lead to the airplanes. They wouldn't need a huge plane or a huge distraction. They simply needed to make a run for it. They were both pretty fast, it should be fine.

"But Master," Genos began, "you should know about my new program. I was waiting until Christmas to tell you but I think it will be the most useful to us now."

"What is it?"

Genos closed his eyes before striking an absurd pose, "INCINERATE!"

Instead of a glorious fire burning down the airport he turned into a car? Where did he get the parts for that?

"Wow Genos, a plane would have been more useful."

"I'll keep that in mind Master," he honked, "but get in."

"You finally found a way to get me inside you," Saitama snickered, hopping into the driver's seat.

Genos blushed, but since he was a car his seats just got warm. Saitama snuggled into the driver's seat, his butt toasting blissfully. And then he hit the gas pedal. He slammed his foot into it, putting a hole where it went.

"My bad."

"It's fine," Genos riled his engines in pain, then purpling himself foreword, crashing the gate.

They were off, the alarms setting off like a thousand screaming fangirls. It wasn't even long before some heroes were called in. An S class villain like Genos and a C class villain like Saitama got a whole brigade of heroes on their tail. They'd have to steal the aircraft before their legal enforcers arrived. So they did. Genos let down his sun room and Saitama stood in the way like a sorority girl in vegas on her twenty first birthday. He raised his fist and aimed it at the police chasing him. He held is hand open, stretching his fingers before closing them into a fist. This was it, this was his moment. He pulled his gloved fist back and then set it loose, one massive blast into the air that destroyed the cars closest to them and knocked the others over and even destroyed some of the glass on the not too far off airport.

"You held back," Genos said.

Saitama remained standing as they sped off to the nearest aircraft. A young boy with a butt for a chin stood in the rubble and broken glass. He met Saitama's eyes and then nodded, slightly, only Saitama noticed. He nodded back, slightly, in a way only the boy would notice. That boy was the same as the one he helped all those years ago. The one who inspired him to quit his day job and train. Back then he wanted to be a hero but somewhere along the way something changed, turned him bad. He looked away as Genos pulled to a stop. He jumped out and Genos turned back into a person shape.

"Quickly Master, the heroes are coming!"

Saitama flipped his cape and faced the craft, "Yes, let's go."

They were in the air. Sure the heroes were after them but they had a serious lead. It would be a while before anyone special caught up to them. Genos flew the plane while Saitama sat in the first class area, contemplating his life choices. He had never felt these dubious emotions. Genos seemed to sense Saitama's uneasiness and put the plane on autopilot, downloading a peice of himself into its circuitry.

"Master?"

Saitama didn't look up, his contemplation having turned into a daydream. Perhaps he was stealing the moon or breaking into Z City's biggest bank. Maybe he was riding a shark in space with a kidnapped princess or managing to finish a super large deluxe spice udon special at that ramen place they frequent. Genos pulled himself from his own dreaming and decided that this was his chance. Genos used his telepathic connection with the plane to get a song started. Then he put on one of those stewardess uniforms conveniently hanging in a nearby closet. He was gonna make this work and he was gonna make Saitama his.

The jingling began and Genos leaned out of the closet.

"I don't want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need," he tried his best to be sexy in the pencil skirt, "I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree."

Saitama stared at him with eyes as big as ornaments, scalp as shiney as tinsel. Then the beat started picking up and Genos ditched the already too small blazer before rushing up to Saitama. He hoisted him out of his seat and began bouncing around with him.

"I DON'T WANT A LOT FOR CHRISTMAS! THERE IS JUST ONE THING I NEED!"

And so the song went on and they entered a goofy dance and Saitama realized he had no idea how to dance. He decided it didn't matter as Genos was… wow… Genos was way better than him. Was there anything the kid couldn't do? He wondered if he could do the robot? Saitama fell into the groove of Mariah Carey and then didn't care how he looked. That's what dancing alone on an airplane with your best friend/ literal partner in crime on your way to kill Santa was all about. Then Saitama did the unthinkable… he first bumped.

The plane exploded. The hero catching up to them, an S class little girl looking sprite, used her magic to catch everything midair- even the villains. She flew closer. She was called the Tornado of Terror (Tatsumaki to her few friends).

"Hey," she called out in her high pitched arrogant voice, "Answer me or I'll drop you to your death. What were you doing stealing an airplane?"

Saitama grinned, holding Genos (his shoulder busted from when Saitama kicked him in as a car), "We're the soon to be full time super villain duo Caped Baldy and Demon Cyborg! After we take you down we'll take down Santa and all the world will fear our aliases!"

She stared at them, at the bald one and spit laughing. She laughed so hard she lost her grip on her magic and almost let them plummet to their death anyway. She probably should have just killed them. It couldn't be worse than the alternative, which she chose.

"Santa isn't real you idiots."

Saitama was visibly stunned, "W-what? Oh, you're just trying to defend the fatty! Your tricks won't work!"

She laughed some more, "You're too pitiful to treat like read baddies. You must be secretly eight- no most eight year olds have already stopped believing."

She set them and the aircraft down. Saitama weakly landed on his hands and knees, head down, neck hurting a little. Genos lie beside him in the snow. They were both visibly crushed. When Genos really thought about it he knew Santa wasn't real, but Saitama seemed so excited he just forgot was all. Saitama made him believe again.

"You can walk back right?" She laughed, floating away, leaving them.

They sat there in the snowfall, waiting. It was then Genos realized he couldn't feel the cold. He couldn't even feel pain. Grunts and moans came from old habits and memories from when he was human. What if he kissed Saitama? Would he feel anything at all? His heart was a potato clock, how could this be love he wondered.

"Master?"

He didn't respond.

"Shall we begin to go home?"

He remained silent. Genos cinched his brows together in worry. Was Saitama cold? He wasn't visibly shivering- no maybe he was. He got a good look at his master's face then. He was crying. He was biting his lip and his eyes were leaking like pierced yoke with a fork. He genuinely believed that there was a Santa. Genos looked up to the sky.

"I'll go on ahead master."

Blast off. With his fire he flew through the air and gentle snow, melting everything in his path. Then he saw her, the hero girl who crushed his master's dreams. He was going to kill her. He was going to fry her hair and give her split ends that could never be cut clean! He burned with the fire of a thousand yule logs. She was dead meat.

"HEY!" He called out.

She froze him in place, using her bs telekinetic powers, "You again? What?"

He tried to squirm in her hold but she was too powerful, maybe he should self destruct, "Look, I came here to kill you but I realize that probably won't happen today so I'm going to try something else. Help me make Santa Claus real-"

"No."

"What!?"

"No. I'm just going to crush you in my hand."

"But you're a hero!"

"So?"

"Heroes help people!"

"Then what about you Cyborg?"

"What about me?"

"You're trying to help that egg head, not to mention a ton of idiot kids."

"So?"

"A hero at my level can't waste time with you, but," she paused, "you can be a hero for him if you want. No one's gonna stop you there."

She set him down and flew off for real this time. Genos watched her go. Someone said something similar to that once to him. It was Saitama except he flicked him in the face and mocked him, "Maybe one day you can fight me for real you weak loser." Ok, maybe the wording was different but the sentiment was still there. The midget was gone and Genos had to make a decision. Luckily he was close enough to a local walmart. Thank you walmart.

Saitama lie in the snow, his crying having stopped. Villains don't cry. He was on his back now, looking up at the clouds through the trees. Was he really cut out to be a bad guy full time? The reason he became a villain was because he saved a kid but that doesn't make sense. Saving a kid is something a hero would do. Whatever misdeeds he's carried out have either been credited to others or easily forgiven. Not to mention Santa wasn't real. What kind of idiot was he? Santa isn't-

An afterimage flew past him. He sensed it, he knew where it was but he didn't see it. The tree's around him were filled with blinking rainbow lights and the after image continued to appear. This time his amazing eyes caught it. A man in a red suit with a beard. It was either a Coke a Cola sponsored ad or Santa himself… maybe both.

"SANTA!?"

He ho ho hoed at Caped Baldy, sitting below him, "Yes, it is I! Santa Claus! I know when you are sleeping and whatever else but above all I know you have come to fight me!"

"Yes Santa!" Saitama rose to his feet, eyes twinkling.

"Then here I am! Fight me!" He bellowed.

Before Santa could do anything else Saitama was in front of him. He choked on the hairs of his beard as Saitama wielded his hand back to punch him into oblivion. This might have been a mistake. He forgot just how quick and powerful Saitama is. He bent backwards and fell out of the tree, Saitama's punch just missing him. Lucky break! Saitama also broke off a piece of the mountain behind them. Actually a hole ripped into the costume and part of Santa almost blew up- did Saitama really even miss him?

Then Saitama saw it. When Santa crashed into the snow below there were circuits poking out of the shoulder and noticed the familiar black and gold eyes. Under that armor beard was someone Saitama thought he knew very well.

"You were Santa this whole time," he said landing on top of him, "traitor."

He pulled his arm back, not wasting a moment in pulling it back forward to blow Santa to bits. Then he stopped and lightly flicked his forehead.

"You should have said something," he smiled, "I wouldn't have tried to kill you. Get up, we're going home."

Genos watched Saitama turn away from him. He used his working arm to grab Saitama and pull him into his chest before leaning down to kiss him. His missed a little and wound up by the side of Saitama's mouth. He blushed in embarrassment. Saitama only grinned.

"About time you big metal chicken," he dipped Genos and laughed like crazy, "beware, my kissed pack one great punch."


End file.
